Probably everyone has people in their lives who annoy them. It could be a client who is being unreasonable, a relative with opposing political beliefs, or a colleague who does not respect your contribution, for example. Just the prospect of interacting with that person can be unpleasant or feel draining.
There is a powerful tool that is often counterintuitive for quickly shifting your approach with such people and finding opportunities for breakthroughs. After making this shift it becomes possible to communicate effectively and in a more positive way with them. And you tend to find them much less annoying.
For example, whenever his father-in-law’s name popped up on Adam’s phone, Adam got tense. The man seemed to think he was surrounded by incompetent, unintelligent, wastes of space. When something went wrong, it was always about blame. “Why would you think that’s a good idea?!” was probably the question Adam heard most. Adam’s wife Margot had experienced it, too. The man thought he had all the answers and loved to hear himself talk. Adam had watched him say to Margot, “Can you ask him what he was possibly thinking?” as though Adam wasn’t even in the room, shake his head and just walk out. What made it especially hard was that Adam and Margot both worked for him, and Adam reported directly to him. So there was seldom a day when Adam, and sometimes Margot, wasn’t receiving messages of this kind through email, text, and phone. They had nowhere to hide from it.
For years, both Adam and Margot had tried the two approaches that are probably most typical. And, as is also typical, they got nowhere. One approach was to try to stand up for themselves by arguing why they were not incompetent, unintelligent, or a waste of space. Margot’s father would just see this as a sign they really didn’t get it, and he’d lean in even harder to teach them a lesson. The other approach was to try to ignore it. But they couldn’t. It ended up being part of the mood and the conversation nearly every day.
The importance of intention
However, there is another approach that can lead to breakthroughs. It is often precisely the opposite of where Adam’s mind went when he got criticized by his father-in-law. The approach is to search for his father-in-law’s good intentions. There is a belief drawn from the world of psychotherapy that every behavior has a good intention. That does not excuse the behavior, but it points out that there is a good intention motivating the behavior. When you can identify the good intention you can find a better way to serve that intention without the bad behavior.
While it was a hard pill to swallow at first, Adam became open to the idea that his father-in-law might have a good intention. After all, Margot had often talked about how the man could be kind and caring in other contexts, and had often said to her, “You know I’m only hard on you two because I love you.” What Adam and Margot realized after thinking it over was that Margot’s father cared deeply about leaving a strong business behind him and hoped that Adam and Margot would one day be capable of taking it over. His behavior toward them had made them want to quit and to assume he thought they were hopeless. But his intention was good.
With this new idea in mind, the two of them brought up the subject. When they spoke to him about the good intentions behind his behavior a surprising thing then happened. They learned they were pretty much right. He did hope to hand it off to them and saw a lot of potential in them both. He tried to reassure them that he did believe they had what it took, and were doing a great job, but still had a lot to learn.
Research helps to explain why this approach can lead to such a big turnaround. There are at least two reasons. The first has to do with the effect on the other person — on the person who, up until now, you’ve been annoyed with. When you try to find out someone’s good intentions and ask them to tell you more about those intentions, you demonstrate to them that you really understand what is important to them. Findings show that when you ask about someone else’s point of view they become more open to interacting with you and to seeing the positive in you.
The importance of needs
The second reason is that doing this affects you in ways that help you get your needs met. When you do this, you change the story you tell yourself about the meaning of your situation. When you have a negative or hopeless story in mind you typically feel bad, and regions of the brain having to do with negative emotional feelings or the fight-or-flight response are active. But when you shift to a relatively more positive and hopeful story about the same event you feel better and those emotional parts of the brain become less active, while other regions having to do with self-control become more active. And the effects can last a long time if you practice your new way of thinking a little — certain emotional parts of the brain can remain less activated.
For years, Adam and Margot had been telling themselves the story that her father thought they were hopeless and incompetent. The new story they became open to was that his intention was to groom them to take over the business and he felt they weren’t ready yet. Also, he wanted them to excel at running it so they would be well provided for all their lives.
By trying to understand his good intentions, Margot and Adam told themselves a relatively more positive and hopeful story. This helped them regulate their emotions and behave more rationally. They thus become more capable of having a useful conversation with him. They also were able to be more present mentally and more resilient over time when he behaved in ways they didn’t want him to.
After that point, Adam and Margot were both able to talk to him from time to time about what they needed to learn. Margot’s father still annoyed them from time to time. He still got short-tempered and was critical more often than he should have been. But Margot and Adam were frequently able to see his good intention and often redirect the conversation toward how to help him achieve that good intention. Such as by saying to him, “if I am to manage this myself one day, what kinds of things do I need to do differently?”
People behave in annoying ways because they want to get their needs met, and aren’t yet willing or able to try a different approach. Assume good intentions. Discover what those good intentions are. Speak to the other person on the level of their good intentions rather than just reacting to their bad behavior. It can lead to major breakthroughs in communication. It can help them become open to behaving differently. And it can make you much less annoyed.
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