You scoffed at your boss in a rush, dismissed your employee’s ideas at a meeting, or snapped at a colleague unfairly.
Workplace stress can cause people to take out their frustrations on others, especially colleagues who are by their side for hours each day. We are also facing unprecedented economic turmoil, with whispers of a recession running down the halls. The bottom line? Tensions are running high from the corner office down. One recent survey reports that 61% of employees are feeling thrown under the bus by colleagues, as RTO mandates bring people back together and force them to remember conflict resolution.
We all make mistakes or say something we later regret. Instead of retreating solemnly and berating ourselves at home (on the couch with a pint of mint chip and an episode of Severance), we can reframe how we manage relational mishaps and move forward faster. It’s how we deal with these moments in the context of protecting our relationships that matters most. It’s essential when that person is a core part of our work-life community.
Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and parenting expert known to her over three million Instagram followers as “Dr. Becky,” calls out the single most important strategy in strengthening our relationships at last week’s BetterUp Summit “Uplift” in New York City’s midtown.
“There is really no more important relationship strategy than repair,” Kennedy told Fortune Well Editor Jennifer Fields, who moderated the discussion. “Nothing builds a relationship like a good repair.”
Often we run away from repair because it means we did something wrong and that we weren’t perfect. But, Kennedy says it’s important to recognize that we cannot walk through life and never ruffle any feathers. It’s simply not human. “Recognizing that is powerful,” Kennedy said. “We have this opportunity to do things a little differently.”
Kennedy shares that it’s important to challenge ourselves to be uncomfortable by taking a beat to understand where someone was coming from, even if we disagreed initially. “Can I build my muscle by seeing and believing what’s going on for the other person? That’s as relevant at home as it is at work,” she said.
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Repairing starts with looking at the moment that felt uncomfortable in the relationship. “It’s really about acknowledging what didn’t feel good and taking responsibility for your part,” she said. “It’s very similar at home and at work. For me, it’s often a version of, ‘I’m sorry I yelled,’ or ‘I’m sorry I was so short’ or ‘I jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your side of the story.’”
The power of authentically repairing goes under-recognized because the event takes up so much brain power in the moments following. But, ironically, repairing can free up some of that rumination.
“If you think about a moment that felt bad and then you berate yourself, like ‘I yelled at my kid.’ ‘I was so short in that meeting.’ ‘I’m such a bad manager’ … We’re focusing on the event,” she said. “The thing that’s going to impact the other person isn’t actually the event as much as us not talking to the person after the event.”
The trickiest part of repair is ensuring you don’t go into the conversation looking to be wooed back by the other person or to check it off the box by brushing the incident under the rug. “It’s going to come off as something you ask of the person, not something you give to that person,” Kennedy said. As with many leadership and self-improvement techniques, you must focus on repairing yourself before you can repair your relationship.
“That repair really looks like saying to yourself some version of ‘I’m a good person who did something I’m not proud of.’ ‘That moment doesn’t define me,’ and ‘I’m rejecting this idea as of [insert today’s date],’” Kennedy says. “Then you can go to the other person and say something like, ‘I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary.’”
Then find connection. Grab a coffee with that individual and listen to their perspective, too. The repair might just make that relationship stronger.
For more on parenting and leadership:
- Want to be a good parent? Experts boil it down to 4 things you should do
- Modern parenting is hurting kids and adults, ‘Anxious Generation’ author warns
- Why moms rejecting the ‘tiger’ approach turn to ‘panda’ parenting instead
