SFO Vest Vending Machine Sells Out, Converted to $2,200/mo Studio

August 3, 2018, 3:50 PM UTC
Frank Barbieri

The Uniqlo vending machine in San Francisco Airport made headlines last week after one Twitter user noticed it sold packable vests, a staple part of the non-fashion style the city is known for.

After making $10k in sales per month, the machine has been decommissioned. The vending machine has been re-fabbed as a 22 square foot studio apartment for the below-market rate of $2,200 per month.

A statement from Uniqlo provided some clarity to this novel decision:

“Upon the online outrage, calls for comment, and tens of thousands of dollars in monthly sales, we did some soul-searching. We found selling vests at San Francisco Airport to be a predatory practice, given its population is unaware they are allowed to wear anything else. Instead, we will rent our vending machine to Jed, where he will live.”

Jed, when reached for comment, was incredibly excited about his new micro-abode. A 32 year-old self-styled “crypto VC”, he found the accommodations to be “extremely adequate” and “worth the short walk to my weekly commuter flights, especially while hungover.” Though the apartment is small, it is located near a restroom, bar, several restaurants, and a daily flight to Boise, Idaho.

“Airport food and drink is pretty expensive, but I’m saving money by living here, so I don’t mind splurging,” said Jed, who previously rented a $3,600 studio apartment in San Francisco’s Marina district, which he says was “almost twice as big.” The only downside, Jed noted, was a constant flurry of knocking from impatient travelers hoping to buy a vest.

Several SFO travelers have voiced complaints about the recent vest shortage in the airport, a convenience they’d come to expect during their journeys. Despite the vending machine being only a year old, it was already a necessity.

One concerned traveler asked, “What am I supposed to do if I arrive at SFO without a vest? More likely, what if I already have a vest, but it gets dirty?”

While the traveler’s anxieties may seem unwarranted, some scientists have attributed having therapeutic effects to the vest, like the calming sweater for dogs. Others have credited the vest as the symbolic armor needed to pitch and fund companies with no regard for ROI or sustainability, making it the must-have clothing item.

San Francisco Airport officials said they were unaware of a man living in a vending machine, but would investigate the situation immediately.

For more satire from Fortune, click here.