It’s been a rough few months for aviation, the latest controversy of which involving a California family saying they were kicked off a flight for refusing to give up a seat for their 2-year-old son. While most business travelers have been fortunate enough not to get dragged off a plane, we are all still subjected to the (mostly awful) behavior of our fellow passengers.
So I would like to humbly offer up some new rules for airline travel:
1. If you stand in line for 15 minutes at Starbucks, you should know your order by the time you get to the counter. You should have to go to the back of the line if you don’t.
2. If you go through the TSA pre-check line and set off the metal detector more than once, you should be banned for life.
3. Cell phones not set to vibrate should be a misdemeanor offense.
4. Talking on said cell phone loudly once on plane should be a felony. Talking on speakerphone should put you on the do not fly list.
5. Leaving the middle seat empty is not equal to first class (I’m talking to you Europe).
6. If your child cries for more than 30 minutes and you are unable to calm him down, he gets moved to cargo.
7. Businessmen (and yes, it’s always men), no one cares about your recap of the game. Double that for your sexual exploits. Triple that if it’s 8am and you’re in Vegas.
8. If you want to bring your own food on the plane, it’s not allowed to smell. Mexican should not be allowed as airport to go.
9. Taking your shoes off is prohibited unless you are below the age of 8.
10. Every bit of luggage you brought on-board should be in your hands before we get to your row. If you start collecting your things while we are waiting in line behind you, you agree to be trampled like the running of the bulls.
11. You had a 30 hour flight and there is no shower or deodorant in your culture. Fine. But we are allowed to Febreze you.
12. You are farting in a sealed tube. Farting on your fellow passengers should be considered a war crime. Go to the bathroom and be alone with your stench.
13. You are a mid-level manager who got an upgrade. Congrats. You’re not the queen. Barking orders at flight attendants is not acceptable. Learn to say “please” and “thank you” to demonstrate you weren’t raised in a barn.
15. When your seat mate looks the other way, they *can* hear you. Staring off into the distance and one word answers is our way of saying “let’s never be friends.”
Any I missed?
David Koretz is founder & CEO of Plum.