Jim Beam’s “Apple Watch” Might Be Better than Apple’s

September 10, 2016, 7:39 PM UTC
watch with built in shot glass
Beam Suntory

Sometimes even the most cautious journalist must abandon their objectivity and speak from the heart. Now is such a moment—I cannot but stand upon my soapbox, and declare the Jim Beam Apple Watch the Greatest Product Ever.

What are the features of this fantastic creation, you ask? Well, it has a green-striped adjustable tweed strap, and a knob, which is also green, though (and I quote the company) the knob serves no purpose.

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The Jim Beam Apple Watch doesn’t have wi-fi, Bluetooth, a screen, a fitness tracker, or the ability to tell time, unlike the smartwatch made by Apple, Inc.. But it makes up for those shortcomings—and some of the most seasoned tech watchers would no doubt argue, more than makes up for them—by featuring a built-in, collapsible shot glass.

So, okay, this isn’t an “Apple Watch” in the way you might think. Beam’s frankly genius marketers were presumably able to get way with the similar name thanks to Jim Beam Apple, a new flavored whiskey. So it’s a Jim Beam Apple watch, not a Jim Beam Apple Watch. Get it?

In all seriousness, pouring a shot may genuinely be both more enjoyable and more productive than wearing an actual Apple Watch. Because while the latter may help you lose weight, it may also make you more hyperactive and distracted.

Using the Jim Beam Apple Watch, by contrast, has a marked relaxing effect. As the company puts it, instead of a watch that tells time, “we’ve created a watch that helps you make time.” Time to do things like form deep and lasting bonds with co-workers and friends.

Though those could, of course, include bonds of shared guilt and shame. Please use your watch responsibly.

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On the business end, while the non-Jim Beam Apple Watch is widely believed to have somewhat underperformed since its introduction, the Jim Beam Apple Watch has clearly already achieved its goal—which is to get articles like the one you’re reading written about Jim Beam.

Should you wish to own this marvel of branding, you may be out of luck—while it was briefly available for $17.99, the Jim Beam Apple Watch apparently sold out in 3 hours.

Top that, Tim.

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