All I want for Christmas
I don’t ask for much. A stable euro. An economic recovery. A new Congress. And a Vitamix.
FORTUNE — Dear Santa
Hi again. It’s me, Stan. How is Mrs. Claus? And the elves? Still on leave from Wharton? How about the North Pole? I hear it’s melting. That can’t be good. Anyhow, enough about you. This is about me, and all the good things I want to find under my tree this year. I know you’ve been following me on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and even Google+, so you know when I was sleeping, you know when I was awake, you know when I’ve been bad and good and that for the most part I’ve been better than a lot of guys in the business space. So here goes.
First, Santa, I’d like the euro to remain the safe and secure currency of Europe. True, it’s tempting to stand back and let them all fester in the swamp they’ve created, but a hedge fund guy explained to me what the euro’s collapse would mean to the world economy. Something about debt instruments being called in and total hysteria that would last for a decade. We don’t need that. We need stability, Santa. So please. Save the euro.
I would also like an iPhone 4S. I didn’t think I would, because the upgrade seemed like more of the same, but then a friend got one and I saw how that artificial intelligence entity worked. They call her Siri, Santa, and it’s pretty amazing what she can do. You say hi. She says hi. You ask her for the weather. She gives you the weather. Flight schedules? She’s got ’em. I asked her if she knew any jokes. “Two iPhones walk into a bar,” she replied in a cool robo-voice that gave my hardware a thrill. Then after a thoughtful pause she added, “I don’t remember the rest.” That really gave me a laugh.
Oh, and please bring me higher taxes. I’m not rich, Santa, and I spend mostly all I make, and every April I give back about half, but really, this is ridiculous. If a little bigger slice of my income can help close this gap between what we earn and what we owe? It’s a no-brainer.
I’d also like a Vitamix. It cooks soup, blends healthful drinks, and mixes ice cream — without attachments. I would use it primarily as a juicer, though. It could be a big part of my plan to get more antioxidants in 2012.
I’d like you to bring me new infrastructure, Santa. I can’t understand why those squabbling weenies in Washington can’t get their heads out of their Foggy Bottoms and create a bunch of jobs here. Come to think of it, Santa, seriously, I know it’s a big request, and it might take all year to deliver it, but could you bring me an entirely new Congress? I don’t like the one you brought me in 2010, and I’d like to return it. Can that be arranged? I’d forgo my other requests if you could grant that one. Except for the Vitamix.
And come to think of it, as you’re loading up your bag, could you possibly bring a sense of security in my investments, such as they are? I’m not asking for great returns. I know we’re living in an era of reduced expectations. But could we please not have any dramatic meltdowns next year? Just a nice, slow-moving, limp, and tepid recovery would be fine. You don’t even have to gift-wrap it.
I’d also like you to bring me a nice bundle of traditional media. I’m enjoying the digital revolution, but please make sure I can continue to read news of more than 140 characters in my newspapers and magazines, curl up with an actual book now and then, and watch movies on a screen that’s bigger than my pinkie.
And oh, yeah, don’t forget to bring me some damn privacy for yet another year. I know you have less and less to give as time goes by, and eventually all the privacy will belong only to the very rich and the very poor, but see if you can save a little bit for me, at least for a little while.
And world peace. Yeah. World peace would be nice. And an electric toothbrush. Thanks, Santa. Your cookies will be on the mantel, just like always.
This article is from the December 26, 2011 issue of Fortune.