Good morning from Los Angeles. It’s fabulous here.
I’m up kind of early because they seem to have this time-zone thing where it’s three hours earlier? Yeah, right. Not in my head it isn’t! Anyhow, I thought I’d kick off this morning with a bunch of Ask Bing’s, which you will find in their usual silo on the site. One question from a reader was so charming and alarming I thought I’d get you in the spirit. “Here’s one,” she writes:
I have a passive-aggressive paternalistic boss. I’ve read a couple of your questions-and-answers, but not all, so maybe you’ve covered this already. I have a boss of the classic “everyone knows he’s bad but hey, just put up with him because the management likes him” type. But instead of bullying or yelling directly, he’s passive aggressive. A typical interaction might be him asking “What is your goal for this work?” I give a thoughtful answer. He replies “That’s not a goal”, and then just sits there looking at me. Or he might be reviewing a plan I have submitted, and says “This is not what I asked for. Do you think this is what I asked for?”
Interacting with this guy, I keep feeling like he’s asking me if I am still beating my wife. He poses questions that are unanswerable without coming right out and saying “Yes, you’re right, I AM worthless.” He’s also a master of the awkward silence. He will simply stare at you. BTW all of this aggression is delivered with almost no emotional affect … perhaps a small Mona Lisa smile playing ever so subtley about his lips.
This man is evil, I tell you, evil! Any advice on how to counter it? Thanks!
Dear reader: I have a little advice, although your insight into the guy already has given you a leg up. My thought is this: two can play this game, especially since this operator isn’t even admitting there IS a game. Silence is a powerful tool. He gives you the eyebrow? You respond, “Well, what IS a goal, Murray? I need some help with that.” And then just sit there. After a while of you sitting and looking at each other, he will break and say, “I would hope you knew that.” And you can say, “I thought I knew. But clearly your understanding is different than mine.” And then just sit there. After a while, he will kick you out. Later, go back in and say, “I need a bit more guidance on what was wrong with my deal there.” And then just sit there. As for emotional affect, he’s got it right. Give none. Be pleasant. Out-zen the mother. Good luck.
And good luck to us, each and every one. And to all of you who keep on writing to Ask Bing this and that. I know it sounds kinda demented, but your problems brighten my day.
As for me, I think I’ll have a martini this evening. There’s nothing like a martini at the Four Seasons bar. Last time I was there, I saw Verne Troyer sitting on the lap of a supermodel. That’s L.A. at its best, don’t you think?