50 Bulls**t Jobs: Backstage Concert Security Guard

April 30, 2007, 2:19 PM UTC

Just a few ways to be profitably and pleasantly (if uselessly) employed, from Stanley Bing’s book, “100 Bulls**t Jobs and How to Get Them” (Harper Collins).

A reader from Nebraska writes:

Duties: Sit or stand in front of dressing room door or other backstage areas and make sure everyone has a backstage pass. Demoralize those who don’t and let Radiohead have free reign even if you don’t recognize them.

The Upside: Getting to hear cool concerts, befriend the bassist who flirts with you as he moves to and from rehearsal and performance, get fed by a personal chef, getting hugs from CarrotTop, keeping half crazed fans away from N*Sync, contact highs, cool backstage souvenirs that are being thrown away after the show, getting to tell big-name promoters that not even they are allowed to have glassware backstage.

The Downside: Having to go to the front of the house during a Phish concert and having stoned people paw at you, being told that “security girls” cannot respond to incidents at the front gate, trying to get backstage after a break and listening to some woman crying because Willie Nelson played at her parent’s wedding 40 years ago and she wants to thank him personally, Occasionally having to work the front gate, parking lot or in the venue, going deaf.

The Dark Side: Going on a date with a male security co-worker just to get stoned and later having to pry him off of you; realizing that despite the band’s friendliness before and during the show, you are completely invisible to all levels of society except the server at Denny’s after every show; watching N*Sync’s concert promoter jumping over the threshold to their dressing room and shouting, “My world! Your world! My world! Your world!”

Where you go from here: If you do a really good job, you might get to work security at the Super Bowl or other major sporting event … IN ANOTHER CITY! With all expenses paid! whoo hoo, partay.

Readers, what do you think? Is this a bulls**t job?