Esther Perel has been a relationship whisperer for decades.
The renowned psychotherapist, author of Mating in Captivity, and host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? has spoken extensively about the power of intimacy in romantic relationships. Now, Perel is laser-focused on a different frontier: the workplace relationship.
“People’s expectations of work have risen tremendously, like they have risen in the romantic sphere,” says Perel. And still, “the time and the patience that they allocate to it have decreased sharply.”
As more workers contend with return-to-office battles, the looming rollout of AI, and economic uncertainty, Perel says there is no better place to focus her energy. People spend the majority of their adult lives interacting with coworkers, and the relationships that may seem easily dismissed as transactional and contextual are becoming lifelines worth investing in.
Perel says we are facing an unprecedented time, as more people yearn for intimacy at work as a way to feel “purpose, meaning, belonging, and community.” Reflecting on decades of research, Perel recognizes that the same desire for security and belonging that she preached as the pillars of romantic intimacy applies to work.
That’s why Perel recently launched a new card game, Where Should We Begin? At Work, in collaboration with Culture Amp, an HR tech platform. The game is intended to help colleagues learn more about one another by prompting storytelling, like a time they appreciated a former boss or felt connected to a colleague.
“The world of psychology and emotions has entered the workplace,” says Perel. “We talk about authenticity, psychological safety, and vulnerability in the same breath as we’re talking about performance indicators—and that is fascinating.”
In an interview with Fortune, Perel talks about the key issues plaguing workplace relationships and how to feel more connected and purposeful in the modern office.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Fortune: What spurred you to think more about workplace relationships?
The workplace is going through a major upheaval, with a very uncertain future. And the meaning of relationships in the workplace has completely changed. It used to be soft skills—stuff that you can admire in principle, but then you disregard in reality.
For the first time, relationships are no longer just soft. They are actually part of the bottom line. They’re part of the competitive edge. They’re part of the one thing that AI cannot yet so easily replace.
Tell us about your new game, focused on building relational intelligence at work.
It was a logical thing to do. How do we actually create something that is tangible, that you can hold in your hands, that is fun, and that is playful? As one of the people from Culture Amp said, “You can either have a training on management, or you can hear people’s stories about managers who totally influence the way they themselves manage today.”
Storytelling is a very powerful bridge for connection. Stories are the way we remember each other way more than data, for that matter, and it’s not just your typical icebreaker. It’s a very in-depth, layered set of cards that you use in multiple work situations, offsites, team building, and one-on-one feedback sessions.
What are people getting wrong when it comes to relationships at work?
People avoid face-to-face conversation. People make a lot of noise about honesty, transparency, authenticity, and all this stuff. But in fact, they demonstrate rather little of it in work situations. People have really lost the ability to knock at someone’s door and just say, “Can I come in for a moment?”
What happens when people who come to work are more and more socially atrophied and have experienced major desocialization? Basic transactions that used to be part of any social interaction have become really challenging. How does it influence the way people deal with conflict, disagreement, or simple discomfort in the workplace?
What everyone understands is that there is a real need to develop relational intelligence or human skills. This is directly connected to performance, and especially to sustained high performance. That data is very clear.
How can coworkers have intimacy yet maintain professional boundaries?
I think one of the most recent interesting findings about relationships in the workplace is that people’s happiness at work is determined first and foremost by the actual presence of a best friend at work.
It means that people expect and experience intimacy at work. Friendship is intimacy. It means that there is someone at work whom you can trust, with whom you experience a deep sense of belonging. They wait for you in the morning. You experience a sense of recognition from knowing that you are valued, that you are respected, that you matter, and that you can experience a sense of collective resilience. If there’s something that happens, you can together devise a way to handle tough situations.
I think the idea that people don’t have intimacy at work is actually inaccurate. You’re very intimate with your supervisor and with your manager. But that doesn’t mean you reveal all your inner truths. Intimacy means that you get me. It’s not about how much I have shared with you. I think that’s a really important distinction.
Can you can be friends with your boss or someone senior to you?
I think you can. People seem to always be a little bit worried that there is a power differential, but there are power dynamics in every relationship. Ask any parent of a 2-year-old, and it’s not because they have power over the 2-year-old.
Power is not always a negative thing. It’s intrinsic. The moment you depend on somebody, you have power. And there is power to the mentee, and there is power to the mentor.
[At work] we can have elements of friendship, mutuality, reciprocity, shared interests, having each other’s backs, and enhancing each other’s interests in various areas.
How do you build relational intelligence in a toxic workplace?
The main thing we have control over is us. You can change, I think, at least pieces, sometimes small, sometimes much bigger, of a culture.
For example, this company I saw went to an offsite. And when we got there, there was some tension on the team. Things were not going well. We played a card game, and we just told stories, and suddenly people started to actually listen to each other differently. These people that you didn’t really trust at all, or the people that you said, “What the hell am I doing with you?” softened. Did it transform on the spot? No. I think people have to be a little realistic. But it took the bite; it took the rigidity, the kind of confirmation bias that exists once people don’t like each other, and said, “Hey, open yourself up to other possibilities.”
You control your curiosity. You control the quality of your listening. The quality of your listening shapes the type of speaking that is going to come back.
