Whether you’re arguing about something as trivial as dirty dishes or as serious as infidelity, fighting with someone you love stings. In the moment, you may feel angry, alienated, and hopeless, but according to research, the effects of fighting can be long-lasting and detrimental to your mental and physical health.
“There is an abundance of growing research that sheds light on marital conflict and the toll it can take on an individual’s health in a relationship,” says Christina Eller, LMHC, a psychotherapist specializing in partnership, marriage, and intimacy. “Marital conflicts that lead couples into a negative state of mind tend to suffer increased stress, anxiety, and depression.” But the effects aren’t just mentally challenging; they can also cause harm to your physical health.
In 2018, researchers at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center found that couples who engaged in particularly nasty fights had higher levels of bacteria in their blood (which can make their way into the intestines and cause poor gut health). Still more studies indicate that heated moments may harm your cardiovascular health and make wounds heal more slowly.
However, according to Eller, every tense moment doesn’t need to leave you feeling hollow and distant from your partner. There are better ways to navigate conflict and protect your well-being in the process. Below, Eller and Elisabeth Gulotta, LMHC of NYC Therapeutic Wellness, offer their best tips for conflict resolution before, during, and after an argument.
Before the conflict
Understand how and why you fight
For a long time, a common message was that couples fight about topics like money or sex. But according to Eller, most arguments have much deeper roots that are worth exploring with your partner before you start exchanging words. “With couples, there is a fallacy that partners argue over prevalent themes such as finances, inequities in the household, co-parenting, or even infidelity. Research has demonstrated that couples rarely argue over a clear-cut topic,” she explained. “Occasionally they do, but it’s more likely that couples inadvertently construct emotional injuries during conflicts due to a lack of understanding their partner, ergo miscommunication.”
Gulotta says that our emotional responses to disagreements can stem from childhood wounds, unmet needs, or simply feeling unsafe. “We all come into relationships with our own wounds and things that are not healed, and they can be pain points and trigger points,” she says. “There’s a vulnerability to going deeper, so a couple can stay stuck arguing about the surface level things if they don’t take the time or have the awareness to search out the root.”
Going to therapy together or asking your partner about their core needs can help you get ahead of potential arguments and better deal with them as they come along. Chances are, you’re not just fighting about the dishes.
Be aware of the “four horsemen” in conflict settings
“According to research by John Gottman, there are four communication habits that couples use in states of conflict that are inevitably damaging to the relationship and can increase the likelihood of divorce. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt,” says Eller.
In this context, criticism is characterized by attacking someone for who they are. For example, “You never do the dishes because you’re lazy.” Defensiveness means putting up an immediate shield when someone brings up something that’s bothering them. For example, “I’m trying my best. I was just too busy today!” The third response, contempt, looks like mocking someone for who they are in a genuinely mean-spirited way while stonewalling (which is a normal response to contempt) looks like ignoring your partner and telling them you “just don’t want to talk about it.”
These are normal human responses, but they’re worth memorizing so you can keep an eye out for them when beef arises between yourself and a loved one.
Talk about how you fight with your partner—and agree on a safe word
Once you’ve wrapped up all that self-reflection, start a conversation with your partner. Tell them how you tend to fight, ask them about their fighting style, and devise a plan for tackling future tiffs. (More on how to do that below.)
As part of this conversation, Eller recommends coming up with a “safe” word that you can both say in mid-fight to signal you need a moment away to parse through your feelings. “The safe word represents that you need to take a timeout,” she says. “This means you or your partner need to take a break from the interaction. This is not abandonment! This is so that if either of you become too activated in an argument—to avoid saying things you will regret—you will take a time out.”
She says this word or phrase can even be humorous or a reminder of how much you love one another. For example, if you had a wonderful trip to Paris, your safe word may be “Paris.”
During an argument
Recognize what anger feels like in your body
Fighting alters your body on a physiological level: Your heart rate picks up, and so do your breathing and blood pressure. Recognizing these warning signs in your body will help you pause before acting on emotion and impulse and saying something you don’t mean (or defaulting to the four horsemen). “This is the key to creating some distance between yourself and the storm of thoughts and feelings,” says Eller. “Mentally note that you have gotten activated. Start to investigate what happens when you get emotionally flooded.”
Use your “safe word” to pause the argument and reflect
If your brain starts thinking a mile a minute and your emotions run high, now’s the time to utter your safe word. Say it, and go find space away from your partner.
Take time for self-soothing and reflection
According to Eller, you should have three to five self-soothing practices up your sleeve for when conflict arises. Each one should take about thirty to sixty minutes, and you should share these with your partner ahead of time so they know that, say, the bathroom is off limits because you’ll be taking a bubble bath. You should also keep their self-soothing practices in mind so you can respect them.
Eller also has a little exercise to try while taking your timeout. “Picture a moment when you experience your partner as loving, generous and well-meaning. Add as much detail as you can to really capture how you experience your partner when you are feeling loved and cared for,” she says. “This helps your brain move out of the reactive myopia and reintegrate a more balanced view of your partner.”
Make a plan to reconvene later
Before you part ways, establish a place and time when the two of you will come back together and talk it out. “After your 30 to 60 minutes self-soothing time, meet at your designated space and continue the discussion,” says Eller.
This is what Gulotta calls the “repair” stage of an argument. With time, space, and reflection behind you, you should have a more understanding, compassionate conversation with your partner about the root of the argument. However, this takes practice. “These are all skills that can develop over time and make us successful more at handing conflict without escalation, huge rupture, and need for repair after the fact,” says Gulotta.
After an argument
Schedule a weekly relationship check-in
One way to avoid future arguments is by scheduling a weekly meeting with your significant other. “This is a designated time when it’s a safe and open space to share,” says Gulotta. “Both people agree to come into that space and be open and willing to listen in the same way people prioritize gym classes or time with friends. It’s important to prioritize this connection and opportunity to communicate openly and more vulnerably with your partner.”
Like everything, becoming better at conflict resolution is all about practice. “Conflict is an opportunity for two people to actually grow and understand themselves better as an individual and collectively,” says Eller. “It’s better to see conflict as a catalyst rather than something to avoid.”
