Ask a CEO coach: ‘Help! When I talk at work, why doesn’t anybody listen?’

The subject of this week’s conversation is Kirstin, a rising star at a global manufacturing company in her twenties who is asking how to be heard more. She often feels she must rush to get her points in, and that other people get credit for her thoughts.

BH: My time is your time, Kirstin.

Kirstin: I feel like I have to make the same point over and over in meetings, and I don’t get credit. Like, someone else will say what I said already, and people say, “Yes, let’s do that,” and I’m thinking, Hey, really? Did you not hear me? I just said that, or something really similar, like, twice! Is it because I’m a woman?  Am I doing something wrong? Should I call them out on it? 

BH: I heard two things in that. One, power dynamics in general, or two, getting techniques to help you be heard as an individual. Which do you want to focus our time on?

Kirstin: Do you think we can solve all the problems in the world with men?

BH: Sure, why not? It’s early in the day, the sun is shining, I got good sleep. You?

Kirstin: Maybe we start with what I can do differently?

BH: Okay, can I show you something?

Kirstin: Yeah, sure. I mean, of course.

BH: I want you to repeat everything you said when you first sat down, but with two rules. Are you ready for the two rules?

Kirstin: Yes.

BH: Rule one: 10-second pause before you speak. I will silently count you down with my fingers; don’t say anything before 10 seconds is up. Rule two: Say what you said before in half the words. Do you understand the two rules?

Kirstin: Yes.

BH: [Nodding to begin, and begins slowly counting down] 10 … nine …

Kirstin: I don’t like it when people don’t acknowledge my comments or understand them. And I don’t know why it’s happening. It’s not just me. What can I do about it? What should I do?

BH: Excellent. Okay, now one more time, but this time six-second pause and half the words again, but make sure you capture the essence of your thought. Got it?

Kirstin: Yes. 

BH: [Counting down silently.]

Kirstin: I want to be heard.

BH: Whoa! That was powerful. So what changed? From many sentences that were a bit of a fire hose of thoughts, to one powerful concept conveyed in only a few words? What changed?

Kirstin: I took time to think.

BH: Hmmm.  

Kirstin: Hmmm!

BH: So let me see if I got this right. You took even a few seconds to think, and you became visibly more powerful. 

Kirstin: [Writing down a note to herself and then looking up.] Yes.

BH: And did you need several hours of thinking to prepare? Several weeks? A few months sitting cross-legged on a mountain?

Kirstin: No. It was quick.

BH: How long did you need? 

Kirstin: A few seconds.

BH: It’s normal when we don’t feel heard to want to say more, to raise our emotion. What I like about that is you are a fighter. You won’t be denied. Keep that spirit! But be an effective fighter. Instead of flailing our arms with little power, which is easy to block out, look for openings to deliver quick powerful comments.

Don’t focus on how you can say more and be heard. Focus on how you can say more with fewer words, and you will be heard more.

And I am giving you some homework, are you ready? The next 10 meetings you are in, I want you to ask a short question every single meeting within the first three minutes—I don’t care what the question is. “Hey, I am grabbing a water, anyone want one?” or “Can you say that point again, Andreas?” Keep changing the question. Everyone wants to make that brilliant point in a meeting, and we all sneak one in once in a while, but it’s … questions. Questions! Skillful questions are what make you a player in the game. Passing more than scoring gives you control.

Have you ever been in a meeting and half of it has gone by and you haven’t said anything? Or you think of something good to say, but the topic has already changed? 

Kirstin: Yes, all the time!

BH: It’s like a basketball game, where two to three people are taking all the shots. They are kind of passing it to each other all the time without realizing it. Everyone else fades a bit into the background. They are not bad people. They’re just caught up in the emotion of the game. Every game has a flow. But when you ask a question early in every meeting, what happens?  

Kirstin: I am engaged. I am active.

BH: Yes, you are now part of the flow. You’re a player. People see you as a player. Okay, what’s your homework?

Kirstin: Ask a question, any question, within three minutes of every meeting. Oh, and … [long pause] take a few seconds to think.

To learn more about Bill, visit lifehikes.com. To submit a question for a future column, email bill_hoogterp@lifehikes.com.