SAN JOSE, Calif. — At Apple WWDC 2018, Apple released its latest mobile operating system, iOS 12. The company is betting iPhone users want to be more thoughtful with their consumption of technology.
Among the new features are a new “Do Not Disturb Bedtime” mode and a “Screen Time” feature, which provides weekly reports of phone usage. iPhone users are ecstatic, now that they’ll be forced to reckon with just how much time they spend on their favorite apps, down to the minute. Many users are saying the new features are just what they need to kick their digital addictions. Some have ambitious plans to fill their ex-screen time.
“I think I’m finally going to learn Spanish,” said Erika Liu, an iPhone user, who plans to pick up a new language with the time she reclaims from restricting use of her Facebook on her iPhone.
The new time-conscious features appear to be Apple’s response to growing concerns, from both users and Apple shareholders, that technology has profoundly poisoned the brains of our society.
“We have a finite amount of time on this Earth. Seeing how much of my life I’ve wasted on Instagram should help me finally kick my addiction.” said Michael Genetz, an iPhone user who attended the event. “I want to free myself from this mental prison built with Likes, Retweets, and sepia-toned photo filters. I’m also excited about the new memojis,” he added.
A spokesperson for Apple provided the following statement. “We believe sunlight is the best disinfectant. If you have to see how much of your life is wasted on social media, or Candy Crush, in order to rethink your relationship with technology, so be it. We’re here to help. To regain control of technology, instead of letting it control you, it is imperative to own an iPhone and/or iPad running the latest operating system.”
For more satire from Fortune, click here.
