By Fortune Dad
Time to grin and bear it, again fellas. Unless your loved ones are wise enough to take you at your word when you bluster “Oh I don’t need a present, just wait for my birthday,” it’s likely you’re going to be on the receiving end of some jarringly fashionable gifts this weekend, as detailed below in this frightening piece on Editd.
Some of these may take you back to the time when you were cooler than Fonzie, but owners of the genuine Dad Bod know that you’ll get no comfort from them, in either the literal or the figurative sense, until they’re as faded, threadbare and just, well, unfashionable as the rest of your wardrobe.
This post is probably too late to spare you the worst, but if it stops just one loving and over-enthusiastic daughter from unwittingly proving that it takes more than a new shirt to make the average dad look like Bradley Cooper or Brad Pitt, it’ll have been worth the effort.
EDITD’s 5 best-selling Dad jeans
1. The Indigo Denim Relaxed Fit Dad
EDITD SAYS: The dad who wears these chose them for himself in a rare appearance at the mall and is very proud of his fashion moment.
Dad currently wears these with anything North Face, half-zip sweaters and a short sleeved sportshirt from Dillards.
Trend For Dad to Unwittingly Nail: A dad who appreciates his dark denim should embrace the graphic side of today’s fashion. We’re not talking the full-Williamsburg, just some simple kicks and strong monochromatic prints. Something like the contrast-sole shoes from Camper aren’t too edgy, yet they’re definitely contemporary and comfortable. Try Indigo Jean Dad in a contrast sleeved top too – he’ll think it’s baseball, we’ll know it’s fashion. And make sure if Dad is wearing stripes, they’re bold ones. Dad is fine with stripes.
FORTUNE DAD SAYS: “Relaxed Fit” sounds promising, but is it really better than what I’ve done for the past five years, i.e. buy one size too big and wear a belt with them until they fit properly? Contrary to what your mother says, there IS more dignity in that than in elasticated waistbands. The rest of the outfit is a no-no, though. That Raglan will accentuate my moobs. And — you may say “motel shoes” but I (and anyone of my generation) will think “brothel creepers.” No, thank ‘ee.
2. The Stonewash Classic Dad
EDITD SAYS: The dad who wears these would rather be wearing cargos. Because one pair of bottoms with as many pockets as four makes sense.
Dad currently wears these with a Patagonia fleece and a t-shirt he probably had before he had you. He may also pair them with the occasional plaid shirt and a pair of Active Sport Oxfords, mostly for BBQs.
Trend For Dad to Unwittingly Nail: This dad is a joy to style. He literally doesn’t care what he wears, so long as mom’s cool with it and it’s comfortable. That said, Stonewash Jean Dad could really take to the statement sweater trend, which is set to continue into Spring ’16. It’s a sensible shape he already knows but with subtle nods to the contemporary. Since he’d probably balk at the price of Kenzo, and a Brooklyn reference wouldn’t resonate, try some color-blocked panels or simpler prints. With a little searching, he could probably find some things at ASOS. So long as he doesn’t have to find them himself.
FORTUNE DAD SAYS: What the…??? Aren’t I bow-legged enough without jeans that look like they’ve been molded into the shape by John Wayne during a week in the saddle? As for the tops, how can they not realise that dark shoulders make baby vomit stains MORE visible?? Look, I’d like to think that all that separates me from being cool is a mis-spelling of ‘nice’ that looks Italian, but nobody’s fooling anyone here. If there’s a ‘statement sweater’ that says “Not a cent more for add-ons to that stupid game on your brother’s doo-hickey,” I might consider that.
3. The Bootcut Jean Dad
EDITD SAYS: The dad who wears these is a vaguely country dad. Even though he’s spent his entire life in medium to large towns. He may think he hankers for the cowboy life, but in truth he just kind of likes some Johnny Cash songs.
Dad currently wears these with plaid shirts with pearl poppers, mid-tier premium sweaters and a very practical coat that cost a lot more than you’d expect.
Trend For Dad to Unwittingly Nail: It can be hard to know how to reel Bootcut Dad back to style. After all, he didn’t pick that slight kick flare by accident. Stick to the classics or he’ll stick to his metaphorical guns. How about a stylish update on the polo shirt? Club Monaco does some nice garment-dyed woven chambray ones. For sweaters, look at fancier cashmere blends. Uniqlo does cotton, cashmere and extra fine merino wool at dad-friendly prices. Or try a 50s-influenced short sleeved knit, a key menswear theme. For Bootcut Dad’s louder moments, you could even try a tropical print shirt. A long shot maybe, but one of spring’s best-selling menswear prints. Hey, even Johnny Cash had to let his inner-Beach Boy loose from time to time.
FORTUNE DAD SAYS: Hey, what’s wrong with pearl poppers?!? Look honey, there was a moment, back in the 1990s, when I was almost cool wearing something like these (I think it was at an Oasis gig), but, unlike Oasis, I’m big enough to know that time has moved on. My sister bought me a sweater like that for Christmas two years ago and your mother will only let me do the gardening in it. And as much as I love your aunt, that wasn’t a fight that was worth the picking. As for the Hawaii shirt…just take a step back and think for a second about that. And? Yes, I thought you would.
4. The Black Jean
EDITD SAYS: The dad who wears these will tell you he’s only as old as he feels. He gets your references, tweets to remind you to call your mother, and knows his music from his Best New Music.
Dad currently wears these with those 90s band tees, plaid shirts, denim jackets and that battered parka.
Trend For Dad to Unwittingly Nail: You’re not going to get him into new band shirts, so don’t even think about it. The bomber jacket is perfect for Black Jean Dad – it’s on trend and has been so consistently over the last two years. It’s also a classic shape, and if you stay away from shiny interpretations, it won’t remind him of their last fashion stint in the early 90s. Let the younger guys experiment with prints on their bombers. Allow dad to explore suede or a heavy cotton in shades of navy, maroon, grey or chocolate. The best bit is, designers have just shown the style on Spring ‘16 runways, meaning dad will continue to stay fashion forward for some time yet. Closely related, and perhaps better suited to the older Black Jean Dad with its collar, is the Harrington Jacket. It too is looking set for Spring ‘16 dominance.
FORTUNE DAD SAYS: Are you (expletive deleted) kidding? The last time I got into 501s, Reagan was president, Chicago had a decent football team and a man could still admit publicly to liking U2. I tried a pair on out of pure nostalgia six months ago, they got stuck two inches past my knees, and I toppled over out of the fitting room like a rolled-up carpet. Wherever you look, they almost certainly won’t have a 38″ in stock, so you’d get me a pair of 36″ and just hope for the best, which means they’ll sit in the wardrobe for the next 30 years until either tapeworm or some cruel wasting disease gets me. Because we both know how serious I am when I say “I need to lose a few pounds…”
5. The White Jean
EDITD SAYS: The dad who wears these is wasted again in Margaritaville. He either had an absolute blast in the ’70s and won’t let you forget it. Or he’s just nautically inclined. He likes boats. He may even have a boat.
Dad currently wears these with a slightly-too-low v-neck tee, a Hawaiian shirt and deck shoes he’s worn every weekend for the last 20 years.
Trend For Dad to Unwittingly Nail: This dad has sartorial confidence, if not lacking a little direction. The recent London menswear shows were awash with colors, prints and fabrics generally unexpected in menswear. White Jean Dad might not be ready to embrace men’s lace, as shown at Burberry Prorsum, but we think he’d consider a strong floral or paisley print, a double denim pairing with a denim shirt (not enough dads wear denim shirts! They’d love them!), or even a little hint of velvet in a jacket.
FORTUNE DAD SAYS: To listen to you cool young folks, anyone would think there was something wrong with having The Eagles’ Greatest Hits looping on the iThingy. (BTW, it was you who set it up for me. You shudda known I’d rather listen to it for the rest of my born days than admit to not knowing how to fix it.) We both know that if your grandma sees me in those just once then I’m going be the laughing stock at every Thanksgiving dinner till one of us dies. Ditto the floral print shirt. And those shirts look dangerously tailored. Don’t you know Dad Bods and tailored shirts are sworn enemies??? Don’t make me choose between them.
EDITD says: Give it a try. But really, dads are pretty ace just as they are. Happy Father’s Day to all of team EDITD’s dads. Next week we’ll be back with the top Spring 2016 menswear trends, fresh from the shows.
FORTUNE DAD says: Look honey, I know you mean well and I love you for it, but dressing like a hobo is a simple, cheap and surprisingly effective (if fundamentally dishonest) way to broadcast the sacrifices I make for you and the family to the wider world. Being shaped like a cheap slob is bit harder to sell, but I’m gonna work on that. Just as soon as I’m done watching Fury again.