Let’s get the Dell class action started

January 24, 2013, 11:15 PM UTC

FORTUNE — Every time private equity agrees to acquire a publicly-traded company, a bevy of plaintiff’s attorneys initiate “investigations.” Never mind if the offer represents a 500% premium to where the company’s stock has traded since 1981, it will be deemed possibly insufficient.

Given that most of the “investigations” are wild goose chases, why wait until a deal is actually announced? After all, there’s that old proverb about how the early ambulance chaser catches the litigious shareholder.

In that spirit, please let me offer my services. What follows is a preemptive press release, announcing an investigation into Silver Lake’s offer to acquire Dell Inc. Please feel free to copy and insert your law firm’s name where appropriate:

Dell Shareholder Alert: Shyster & Shyster LLP To Investigate Sale to Private Equity Firm

New York — Shyster & Shyster LLP, a leading national securities law firm, is investigating senior management and board of directors of Dell Inc. (Nasdaq: DELL) for possible of fiduciary duty and other legal violations. Under terms of a proposed sale of Dell Inc. to Silver Lake Partners and company CEO Michael Dell, the company would be valued at significantly less than it was valued at in March 2000, when the stock price approached $54 per share. The company also would be valued at significantly less than Facebook (Nasdaq: FB), a technology company that wasn’t even around in March 2000.

The investigation concerns, among other things, whether the consideration to be paid to Dell shareholders is unfair, inadequate, and substantially below the fair or inherent value of Dell, and whether the senior management of Dell are putting their own self-interests ahead of that of the Company’s shareholders. The investigation also includes a brazen attempt by our law firm to earn millions of dollars by shaking down a company whose PCs we still use, while returning mere pennies to the shareholder class we represent.

If you own common stock in Dell and wish to obtain additional information, please contact us. There is no cost to you, besides your dignity.

You can thank me later. Oh, and if Silver Lake does not actually reach an agreement with Dell, don’t worry. The above copy can be used as a standard form letter for the next rumored buyout. Kind of like the form letter you currently use to publish those “investigation” press releases just moments after deals actually get announced.

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