Bomb, crash, hang and other words Apple Genii can’t say

August 28, 2012, 10:45 PM UTC

Via Gizmodo. Click to enlarge.

FORTUNE — Gizmodo‘s Sam Biddle has posted, with commentary, snapshots of six pages taken from what appears to be an official Apple (AAPL) Genius Training Student Workbook.

It’s everything anyone who has visited an Apple Store might imagine it to be, with sections on how to “build loyalty” and “create promoters” as well as some helpful learnable phrases that suggest empathy without condescension (e.g. “I can see how you’d feel that way”).

My favorite section: The do’s and don’ts of human body language, in which trainees are taught how to show acceptance (hand to chest, touching, moving in closer) and avoid signs of suspicion or secretiveness (sideways glance, feet pointed toward the door, rubbing the nose).

I have two thoughts about this:

  • Morale at the Apple Stores must be pretty low under John Browett (see here). In the decade Ron Johnson ran the retail operation, nothing like this ever leaked.
  • Nobody has topped South Park’s HumancentiPad episode for its tone-perfect parody of a Genius Bar interaction. (“So, just give them store credit?) Video clip below.

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