Who the !@#$! are Jon & Kate?!

May 19, 2009, 3:12 PM UTC

KateLook, I’m not that old. I’m certainly not out of touch. I watch TV. I read newspapers. I cruise the internet like a hungry shark, eating informational tidbits as I go, each and every day.

But sometimes when I go to the newsstand I look at the enormous rack of magazines and I think, “Who are these people?”

Both People and Us Weekly, for instance, feature dramatic developments into the lives of a couple named Jon and Kate.  I have no idea who these people are.

In People, for instance, there’s a big picture of this blond woman with very professional hair staring dolefully out at us next to a huge headline, WE MIGHT SPLIT UP. “Jon & Kate, A Marriage In Crisis” says the box above it. Then there are a bunch of bullets below the headline. But who the frig ARE they? And why don’t I know? 

In US Weekly, contrariwise, it turns out that Kate has her own bodyguard because Jon threatened to hire a P.I. when she got close to somebody named Steve Neild! Who is Steve Neild? Should I know? Why? Apparently, Kate is a mom of eight and she refused to touch her bleeding son during a press event? Really? Why would she do that? Did she do that? When? What kind of press event?

Have I been spending too much time with Madoff and Geithner and Bernanke and Thain and that whole crowd? Am I out of the culture? Have I lost my mojo? While I’m thinking about TARPs and bailouts and payoffs and pyramids and consumer confidence, have I lost sight of the important issues that are moving our society? Should I be watching more TV? A different kind of TV?

What else don’t I know about? Fill me in! Hurry!