What’s your killer quotient? (A vicious little quiz)

October 25, 2007, 2:06 PM UTC


1. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is:
a) Make love to my spouse.
b) Lie in bed and think about the day ahead for a few minutes.
c) Grab my blackberry and check my email.
d) I don’t wake up in the morning. I wake up at night.

2. For breakfast, I generally like…
a) A muffin.
b) Eggs and bacon.
c) Whatever the guy I’m taking to at my power breakfast is eating.
d) Six cups of coffee and a Prozac.

3. At a business meeting, I talk…
a) 35 percent of the time. I think listening is important.
b) 50 percent of the time. I think give-and-take is what it’s all about.
c) 65 percent of the time. I’m there to get something done and I need to push it.
d) You’re beginning to get on my nerves.

4. I am angry…
a) Almost never. What’s the point? All that does is hurt myself and impede business.
b) Now and then. The world is full of buttheads.
c) A couple of times a day. I can’t help it.
d) Now.

5. Everybody has enemies, people who help to define you by the fact that you hate them and everything they stand for. How many do YOU possess?
a) None. What’s the point? All that does is hurt myself an narrow my list of potential allies and customers.
b) A couple. One died last year and I really miss having him around to hate.
c) I have a list of about ten or so people. Sometimes people drop off and make room for new ones at the top.
d) I have a couple of friends I don’t mind having dinner with. The rest of the world can go %*&# itself.

6. There’s been a lot of news about China recently, focusing on its business practices in a negative light — poisoned toothpaste, lead paint in children’s toys, tainted dog food and the like. What’s your attitude to that?
a) I think it’s kind of shocking, actually. How can people do such things, even for a profit?
b) I think it’s deplorable. Naughty Chinese! They should have their butts kicked.
c) I think you have to understand their culture. They’re in the beginning stages of capitalism, and this laissez-faire behavior is not unlike that which characterized, say, the old West. It’s every person for himself. Anything goes. They’ll come along and institute standards later.
d) We’d better get in there and take over their economy fast, before they do it to us. The rest is just bulls**t.

7. I love…
a) My family and my little schnauzer, Peppy.
b) My collection of antique pens.
c) The smell of restaurant bacon in the morning. It smells like victory.
d) The feeling I get when I have just humiliated my best friend at golf.

8. I would consider a person “rich” if they are worth…
a) The question itself is deeply flawed. Money alone cannot define wealth.
b) Ten million dollars ought to do it.
c) One hundred million dollars and access to corporate perks.
d) Twenty billion dollars, six houses, twelve cars, a bodacious spouse or two, six thousand virgin acres in Mexico, a personal 747 and the body of his enemy bricked up in his wine cellar. In fact, have you seen my wine cellar?

9. When I think about growing my company, I like to consider:
a) Responsible growth from within.
b) A balanced plan of acquisition and divestiture.
c) Acquiring my nearest competitor and merging our two great companies into one giant and unbeatable behemoth.
d) Buying everybody in my entire industry. Those who will not be bought must be driven out of business. All trace of the companies I acquire will be expunged from the earth! And I will reign supreme!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

10. When I die I would like be remembered as…
a) A good person who was loved by his friends, family and colleagues.
b) A talented person who made the most of his or her gifts.
c) A dangerous and scary person who kicked butt during his life and left a bunch of grieving people behind who revered him.
d) If anybody dies around here, it’s going to be you, Bud.

Give yourself 1 point for a), 2 for any b), 5 points for any c) and, of course, 100 points for any d) answer you might have found appropriate. Yeah, the scoring is screwy. But the truth is, either you’re a killer or you’re not. If you are, my hat is off to you, and my resume is in the mail to you.

If you’re not, I’ll see you for drinks some time next week, okay?