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Keurig Sales Skyrocket as Formerly Eco-Conscious Consumers Embrace Nihilism

Keurig Green Mountain Inc. Product Illustrations Ahead Of Earnings FiguresKeurig Green Mountain Inc. Product Illustrations Ahead Of Earnings Figures

READING, Mass. — Preliminary Q2 sales forecasts for Keurig K-Cups have reached an all-time high for the history of the company – but the reason why is concerning.

Previously, eco-conscious consumers avoided K-Cups, the disposable single-serving pod of coffee used in Keurig-brand coffee makers. The packaging was considered unnecessarily wasteful by these consumers. Critics blame Keurig for bringing the trash-producing waste of carry-out with the taste of homemade coffee to homes and office kitchenettes across the country.

However, thanks to a rising sense of nihilism in the coffee consumer space, the K-Cup is now a number one seller across all demographics, even consumers who previously self-identified as eco-conscious.

Karen Gibson, a middle school teacher in Dunbarton, New Hampshire, counts herself amongst the recent K-Cup converts. “I used to make my own coffee, compost the grounds, and even re-use the filters sometimes,” Gibson said. “But if you’re reading the news, you know it doesn’t make sense to plan for more than a few days anymore.” Gibson then prepared a Dunkin Donuts Original Blend K-Cup and tossed the spent pod out her window, which landed onto pile of K-Cups, visible from her dining table.

Some consumers even see the K-Cup as a convenient way to seek vengeance upon the environment.

“It probably started when my last girlfriend left me for a job at the EPA. Sometimes, I don’t have enough time on my way to work to stop at Starbucks for a coffee, but I still want to create waste for the environment. The K-Cup allows me to do that,” said Dallas resident Kevin DuBois. “Coffee just doesn’t taste right unless I know I’ve added to the 230 million tons of trash produced each year. I miss you Sheryl.”

When reached for comment, Keurig provided the following statement: “As stated in 2014, we commit that all K-Cups will be recyclable by 2020. The current consumer shift to nihilism is far beyond our control, but in the small chance humanity reaches the year 2020, look forward to hundreds of varieties of coffees, teas, and cocoas available in guilt-free K-Cups.”

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