Satire: Allen Iverson Tired of Being Promised as Solution to World’s Problems

May 9, 2018, 5:01 PM UTC
San Antonio Spurs v Philadelphia 76ers
PHILADELPHIA - NOVEMBER 18: Allen Iverson #3 of the Philadelphia 76ers shows frustation in the fourth quarter of a 88-80 loss to the San Antonio Spurs at Wachovia Center November 18, 2004 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
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LOS ANGELES, Calif. — As the world froths from the mouth over the boundless potential of AI, one man is frankly tired of it.

Allen Iverson, former guard for fourteen seasons in the NBA, would like to clarify he will not be at the forefront of blockchain technology, content moderation techniques, or supply chain management.

“It is becoming impossible for me to read the daily technology trades without seeing a reference to AI. Everyone says AI is the answer, which is true. I am the Answer,” said Iverson in a press conference addressing national media.

“However,” Iverson continued, “I am worried I am being promised as the Answer to questions I haven’t dared to ask.”

The famous basketball player is at his wit’s end as he is conflated with Artificial Intelligence on a nearly daily basis. Most recently, Google has promised that AI will now power a new Smart Reply feature for Gmail users.

“Also, why can’t people write their own emails? Isn’t that what makes us human?” Iverson asked the press corps.

Iverson listed off a number of solutions he’d been unwittingly signed up for, without his consent. Though it is the most recent example, Google is not the only guilty party. In a testimony to Congress, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg promised AI would be the long-term solution to growing content moderation problems on the Facebook network.

“I understand there are some similarities between defense on a basketball court and developing a strategy to curtail the presence of bad actors on the world’s largest social media platform. But Mark did not ask before volunteering me for this very important job. If he did ask, he would know I’m retired.”

“Perhaps for everyone’s sake, we can clearly delineate when we are referring to Artificial Intelligence, or me, Allen Iverson. It would spare me from intense moments of grief and exasperation. I’d love to be the Answer when I can, and I understand there are times where it is the other AI,” said Iverson. “If it helps, I also go by Bubba Chuck.”

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