Satire: Twitter Promises to Enforce Terms of Service in Second Iteration of Humanity

December 12, 2017, 9:59 PM UTC
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SAN FRANCISCO, Calif.—Twitter, the world’s foremost microblog company, recently announced that it would allow users to more easily convert long arguments into multiple tweets, a feature it calls “threading.” Now that the threat of improperly threaded tweetstorms is finally vanquished, Twitter users are left to wonder: when will the company address the rising tide of toxic content and harassment on the platform?

Now, those users finally have an answer. Twitter is promising to at last strictly enforce its terms of service. As soon as the human race re-evolves on another planet.

The CEO explained that the company had, in a previously unreported program, spent $400 billion to travel the Milky Way Galaxy, planting blast-proof, tungsten-coated capsules containing copies of human DNA, as well as a USB drive with Twitter’s Terms of Service on every planet capable of supporting human life.

In front of a whiteboard with scrawlings of trigonometry, quantum physics, and emojis, a Twitter product manager explained the plan in further detail. “We’ve sent DNA and our Terms of Service to several planets in this galaxy. We hope, over the course of billions of years, a humanlike civilization will emerge. Eventually, this civilization will develop computers, the internet, and a website for posting opinions about lunch. We intend to have our capsule open at the key inflection point, before the site transitions from a food argument platform to a megaphone for a world leader to incite war.”

The product manager then circled the intersection of two lines on a graph to emphasize his point.

“At this point, our capsule is designed to open itself, and the civilization will see our Terms of Service with a note that says ‘enforce these’ and it’s all underlined,” he explained. “We’ve also included a few tips, like ‘Don’t increase character count as distraction.’ We learned this only made users better at recounting instances of targeted harassment.’”

When asked for Twitter’s plan for this current iteration of humanity, a spokesperson for Twitter declined to comment.

Not all users are thrilled with the plan. One avid Tweeter, @maga_pepe_kevin, is already outraged by Twitter’s promise. He told us via Twitter DM, “Free speech on this new planet, I don’t know where, is under attack! Aliens have rights too! Not all aliens..but you know what I mean. Please don’t publish my real name, I don’t want to get fired from my day job. I do a lot of targeted harassment on here.”

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