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Satire: Walmart to Bloodthirsty Shoppers, ‘Have Fun Out There!’

Walmart Thanksgiving Shopping EventsWalmart Thanksgiving Shopping Events
Customers pictured having fun. Gunnar Rathbun — AP

BENTONVILLE, Ark. [SATIRE] — In the hours leading up to the most hyped, and perhaps most dangerous sales event in the United States, Walmart has some words of advice for Black Friday shoppers.

In front of its Bentonville, Arkansas headquarters, a spokesperson for Walmart addressed the crowd in a televised press briefing.

“On Black Friday, it’s easy to get caught up in the horrors of unabashed consumerism. We get it. There’s pushing. Shoving, Crying. Sometimes, fatalities. But let’s remember to have fun out there,” said the spokesperson for the world’s largest retailer.

Many Americans plan to brave long lines, cold temperatures, and overwhelming crowds at one of over 3,500 Wal-Mart Supercenter locations across the United States. Concerns range from where to use the bathroom, to the limited inventory of LG’s 49-inch Ultra HD televisions. Amidst the chaos, Walmart wants to recenter the conversation.

“It’s easy to get caught up in the potent distillation of capitalism that is a Black Friday sale at Wal-Mart. So it’s nice to be reminded what it’s all about: having a good time,” said a shopper in attendance—mostly because he thought the announcement was an early sale.

Walmart also plans to make the fun of Black Friday shopping more available, by harnessing the power of virtual reality.

“Eventually, our shoppers will be able to push other shoppers, and experience extreme claustrophobia in the comfort of their own homes,” said the spokesperson. Walmart has already used VR to train its workers for Black Friday, and see this as the next logical application of this popular technology.

“We’d also like to encourage our customers, in the spirit of having fun, to refrain from harming or murdering other customers. We do feel this hinders the pursuit of joy and Black Friday deals,” said the spokesperson, in closing remarks.

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