Father’s Day is almost upon us, and Dads are about to receive gifts from loved ones to celebrate the occasion. Most will accept them, grumble appreciatively and go back to their yard work, but for others, the day brings a bittersweet ambivalence.
These men, all of middle age, have a sinking feeling that their best years are behind them. That life is passing them by. In other words, they’re suffering from midlife crisis, and no necktie or pair of socks will lift this funk.
Such a man needs something to invigorate his spirit and telegraph to others that he is still possessed of all the virility and fecundity of “Smokey and the Bandit”-era Burt Reynolds. And it can’t be something with a modest price tag, such as tickets to see Journey perform “Don’t Stop Believin’” on their current U.S. tour.
Here are some high-end products, services and experiences for that special someone going through that all-too-common time.
Playing with guns
A lot of businesses may target men in midlife crisis, but few openly advertise it. Machine Guns Vegas, a facility in Las Vegas that offers customers the chance to fire every pistol, shotgun and automatic weapon conceivable, is among that proud few.
The company offers a “Midlife Crisis Experience," specifically pegged to Father’s Day. It starts with a nine-hour Aston Martin rental, and gets explosively aggressive from there. Dad gets to fire an AK 47, a Glock, an UZI and a Minigun, in addition to almost a dozen other weapons.
After shredding targets beyond recognition, he pilots an Extra 330LC airplane over Sin City itself. Don’t worry, there’s a pilot in the back seat operating interconnected controls, so any potentially fatal maneuvers can be corrected within two seconds, according to public relations representative Megan Fazio.
The day ends at the STK Las Vegas Steakhouse, located in The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas hotel. This experience carries a price tag of $4,250, a mere pittance.
Flashy sports car
In articles with such titles as “10 Signs Your Husband Is Having a Midlife Crisis,” the impetuous purchase of an expensive sports car is frequently cited as a primary symptom. If you suspect that the father of your children is headed in this direction, you can get out in front of it by buying him a $4.5 million Lamborghini Veneno Roadster.
With that price tag, the car easily sailed to the top of Forbes magazine’s “10 Most Expensive Cars For 2014” list, which cited its 750-horsepower 12-cylinder engine and ability to go from zero to 62 miles per hour in 2.9 seconds. Only nine of these babies were made, so obtaining one this close to Father’s Day may prove challenging. However, with a top speed of 221 miles per hour, he'll feel like he’s driving fast enough to escape the ravages of Father Time himself.
In-home IMAX theater system
Every father likes to unwind in front of his favorite movie, but sometimes, watching “Unforgiven” on a mere 32-inch screen through a 5.1 stereo speaker setup just doesn’t cut it. That’s why Eric Thies, founder of the Los Angeles-based company VIA, suggests that you go all the way and have an IMAX theater system installed in your own home.
“It’s an in-home IMAX experience, actually fully engineered and deployed by IMAX itself,” he told Fortune. Its sole limitation is space – it requires a room that can accommodate a screen 12 feet high and 20 feet wide, and you'll need 40 feet of depth for the projection booth. The typical construction process takes roughly 12 weeks, so Dad’s out of luck this year. Luckily, there’s still plenty of time to get one up and running for Father’s Day 2016.
Thies cited an approximate cost of $2.25 million for a full system, but conceded that it might not be quite the thing for outdoorsy types. For them, he recommended the C-Seed 201-inch outdoor television, which emerges from the ground at the touch of a button and unfolds like a butterfly right in front of your mansion, as demonstrated in this video.
The services of a personal stylist
After getting ripped pectoral muscles and washboard abs, the man consumed by midlife crisis will need to update his wardrobe. This is where the personal stylist comes in, to act as Henry Higgins to his Eliza Doolittle. The personal stylist takes the raw lump of clay that is the man who picks out his own clothes and sculpts him into something striking, as Dolly Parton did for Sylvester Stallone in the 1984 film classic “Rhinestone.”
This is where New York Image Consultant (NYIC) comes in. Based in Manhattan and led by experienced senior stylist Amanda Sanders, the service provides men’s makeovers, but since many may bristle at being verbally charged with dressing better, maybe you’re better off giving him a gift certificate right off the bat.
The company offers gift certificates that include the deluxe $1,750 package, lasting 11 to 12 hours. There’s also an eight-hour, full-day wardrobe makeover for $1,200, and don’t forget the one-hour image consultation for $150.
XLR8 Power Trainer
Men of middle age may have noticed that they’re not quite as spry as they used to be. Exercise is the best way to keep ahead of Father Time, but who’s got 30 minutes every day for brisk walking?
With the XLR8 POWER Trainer, time ceases to be a factor. This range of motion machine costs $9,800, and its website says that you can accomplish everything you need to in just a four-minute workout.
“On the upper body workout you will work abs, chest, triceps, biceps, forearms, back, shoulders, and lats in one motion,” the website says. “Resistance is in both forward and backward motion. On the lower body workout you will work quads, gluts hamstrings and calves… If you use the XLR8 Power Trainer properly 4 minutes is all you will need.”
Daniel Bukszpan is a New York-based freelance writer.