Bing does Oscar

Bing began the evening by not attending the Vanity Fair Oscar shindig for the 15th straight year.  “I’m sure if I were invited,” said Bing, “I would be tempted to make an appearance, which would throw the rest of my evening off.” Bing expressed surprise that event had in fact been cancelled this year. “I had no idea my absence would be so devastating,” he added.

Instead, Bing dined on his favorite Oscar-night tidbits — tiny eggrolls, followed by a dinner of brown rice and pork chops, with an array of mixed vegetables on the side.

It was then time to prepare for the red carpet! Bing suited up in his customary festive garb, including boxer shorts from Joe Boxer and Fruit of the Loom white tee shirt, harmonized by a bathrobe from Restoration Hardware. “People appreciate comfort and those with the guts enough to let their personas determine their style, rather than the other way around,” Bing observed to nobody in particular.

This year, as sometimes happens, Bing was not nominated for anything, so he sat in the extreme right back of the audience, some 3000 miles away from the action.

It was a long evening, with many commercial breaks, during which Bing had time to avoid the photographers and shun several of the celebrities who had gotten on his nerves during that past 12 months. He enjoyed John Stewart, as he always does, but admits to being old enough to sort of miss Johnny Carson. By midnight, when it was clear that many of the awards were being given to Europeans whose movies nobody with a pulse will ever see, Bing decided to call it a night, avoid the traffic and head for bed. It was a short trip.

“Like I’m going to see some film about Edith Piaf,” he said when pressed on the matter by nobody. “This is probably why the euro is doing so well against the dollar.”