By Philip Elmer-DeWitt
May 6, 2014

“Perhaps the motion is satirical,” wrote U.S. District Judge Robert Hinkle in his response to a Florida man’s request to marry his Apple (AAPL) computer. “Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit.”

Judge Hinkle’s order denying Chris Sevier’s motion — an attempt to intervene in a gay couple’s bid to get Florida recognition for their Canadian marriage — was filed two weeks ago. But the story only hit the wires Monday after Kyle Swenson published it in the Broward/Palm Beach New Times under the rubric Almost-Great Ideas.

The money quote, from Sevier’s court filing:

Recently I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

What he’s trying to say is that same-sex marriage is the first step down a slippery slope. Let a man marry a man, and pretty soon people will start wanting to marry anything that turns them on.

Sevier may not be only man who thinks this way, but for him it seems to have become an obsession. It might be funny if Sevier’s case weren’t so sad. Swenson at the New Times did a search and turned up this:

A Chris Sevier 
sued Apple because it sold him a computer without telling him about the evils of porn. 
A Chris Sevier sued A&E after it fired 
Duck Dynasty
‘s Phil Robertson after he was caught spewing antigay talk. And just recently, 
a Chris Sevier tried to butt his way into Utah’s gay marriage legal case 
. In a 50-page motion, he claimed he was there to make the court “put up or shut up” on the gay marriage issue.

A 2011 PC Mag report has a bit more of Sevier’s story:

Back in 2011, Sevier was “transferred to disability inactive status” by the Tennessee Bar Association, which prevents him from practicing law. “He may return to the practice of law after proving to the court by clear and convincing evidence that the disability has been removed and he is fit to resume the practice of law,” 
the TBA said at the time
, but it’s unclear if Sevier has done so. He filed the complaint himself and it does not name an outside law firm; it lists his current position as an “electronic artist” with the music group Ghost Wars.

According to PC Mag, Sevier’s filing was “rambling, grammatically incorrect, and generally unhinged.” In 50 pages it managed to mention 9/11, cocaine, life in the 1950s, Abu Ghraib, and “what he feels are the detrimental effects of allowing gays to serve in the military.”

Sevier is an Army combat veteran, according to his filing.

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