Police blotter, July 28 (Suspicious Circumstances)

Business police received report from angry resident that his neighbor, an investment banker, had been awarded a huge bonus from a company whose advice had cost the complainant tens of thousands of dollars. Officers were dispatched to the investment bank’s location and discussed matter with executives there. Undisclosed number of cookies were shared. No action taken.

Police blotter, Aug. 1 (Potential Conflict of Interest)

Public relations person representing nuclear power industry seen touting the future of the technology on cable television, identified as “industry expert.” Officers were dispatched to the scene. Had very pleasant chat with bombshell financial analyst. No action taken.

Police blotter, Aug. 7 (Violation of Public Decency)

Resident of federal penal institution called to say his cellblock mate, Bernard Madoff, was being fed truffles and champagne and entertaining reporters from New York media outlets in a “fine silk smoking jacket.” Officers were dispatched to the scene and found nothing out of the ordinary. After collecting Mr. Madoff’s autograph, departed without further incident.

Police blotter, Aug. 12 (Advice to Citizen)

Police were called by a citizen looking for the incremental value added to his 401(k) since 2007. Police were unable to find any.

Police blotter, Aug. 14 (Informational)

A corporate resident reported that suspicious individuals were pawing through the dumpster outside his office. When queried, people in question identified themselves as employees of McKinsey and proffered a large invoice for services rendered. Officers departed in haste.

Police blotter, Aug. 19 (Privacy Violation)

Police responded to a citizen who believed that his cellular telephone had been “hacked” by tabloid journalists. Police visited management of tabloid and were assured all was in order. No further action taken.

Police blotter, Aug. 29 (Randy Mogul)

Police were called to a meeting of the Socialist Party and found a senior officer allegedly chasing a young woman around a table. No action deemed necessary, since events took place in France.

Police blotter, Aug. 30 (Privacy Violation)

Police responded to another citizen who believed that his cellular telephone had been “hacked” by certain tabloid journalists. Police visited management of tabloid and were served beer. No further action taken.

Police blotter, Aug. 31 (Business As Usual)

A CEO of a corporation called to allege that he had been robbed of $1 billion by an Internet startup that he had acquired, only to find that it had no profit and little revenue. Complainant was slapped about the head for being a numbskull. No further action necessary.

Police blotter, Sept. 1 (Schadenfreude)

Police were summoned to their own offices. Once there, they discovered to their horror that all their phones had been hacked by enterprising members of the Fourth Estate, who were immediately placed under house arrest at Claridge’s. Everybody above the rank of captain declared his innocence, and then resigned. Those who remained were the ones who neither merited a bribe nor had a girlfriend on the side.

Police blotter, Today

Business as usual goes on. No further actions are contemplated.