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OUT.06.16.14 500 illustration
Jason Schneider for Fortune
Commentary

Tweeting the Fortune 500

Jun 02, 2014

Today we honor the top 500 companies in the world by revenue, and compare them with how they ranked last year. #bigscarybehemoths!

As a group, their positions are rather stable, though there is some shifting from there to here. #Costcoisup #Cokesalittledown

Revenue is produced by a variety of products, from investment vehicles to tractors. #BerkshireHathaway4 #JohnDeere80

We’re going to comment while keeping our remarks to 140 characters. #notgonnabeeasy

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At the top once again, retaining its position, is @WalMart, which took in nearly half a trillion. #whichisessentiallyflat

It was a somewhat challenging year, but its executives are still dancing at the compensation cotillion. #specialitemsexcludedout

Next, same as our prior parade of all-stars, are @exxonmobil and @chevron, the latter half the size of the former. #consolidationenvy?

That’s performance their shareholders may find very cool … as we all get a lot warmer. #carbonbigfoots

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We already mentioned @warrenbuffett. He’s an Oracle! And his 817K followers will never die of boredom. #asatweeterhesnoalecbaldwin

Those A shares look tasty … but at nearly $200K each who can afford ’em? #Bigpricetagforatriptobeautifuldown-townOmahafortheannualmeeting

Next -- up one notch from last year -- is Apple, long may it thrive! #welcometosplitsville

At this writing, I’ve got a big-ass tower, four laptops, three iPads, six iPods, and an iPhone 5. #Iamnotanandroid

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Those are the biggest of the big, the toppermost of the poppermost. #arcaneBeatlesreference

But there are 495 more, of varying interest and notoriety, that have ample reason to boast. #notchoppedliverbyanymeans

We find @GM holding nicely at No. 7, for instance. Really not bad at all! #hmmmm…

… considering their, you know, issues. What they are, I can’t … er … recall. #getit?

What’s interesting is that the entire top 25 are traditional brands with actual revenue that’s not midgetal. #@Ford@GE@BOA

Nary an app among them. Except for Apple, nothing digital. #justimagineifthelistwasbasedonprofits!

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Then we welcome @Amazon at No. 35 down the chimney like Santa with a bag full of Kindles. #nowunderpricingallcompetitors

And soon? Your very own personal drone conveniently hovering outside your windows. #itscometoourattentionyoureoutofrazorblades

At 46, we pause before the Temple of @Google to tarry. #theeggplantthatateSanFran

And say a slightly creepy prayer to what is on the collective mind of Sergey and Larry. #bargesandglassesandrobotsohmy

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Lots of insurance and banking in the middle sections. #@GoldmanSachsdownabitbutIwouldntworryaboutthem

Along with a few to help with general erections. #bigpharma

Then way down at 341, heaven save us … #about8billioninrevenue

Is Facebook. Right after Avis. #keepingperspectiveiswhatthelistisallabout

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And so, once again, as the sun sets slowly in the west. #duringafterhourstrading

We say goodbye to the ones who do it best. #longmaytheywave

May your joy and perceived value growth be never-ending! #heywaitaminuteshouldwestoptoconsider

May your profits be GAAP! May you always be trending! #wheretheheckisTwitter?

Follow Stanley Bing at stanleybing.com and on Twitter at @thebingblog.

This story is from the June 16, 2014 issue of Fortune.

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