FORTUNE — I’m a consumer and I love to shop. You can’t give me enough excuses to hit the stores running, elbowing my fellow Americans, kicking old ladies down the escalator on my way to the next six-pack of boxer shorts on sale for one day and one day only. The problem is, in my opinion, there aren’t enough very special holidays that have been designated as very special days to buy things at very special prices. That’s why I’m proposing a new one, and I hope the guys who establish these things are listening. It’s time we had just one more day to whip out our paychecks and set them on fire. It’s time for … Stupid Tuesday.
Stupid Tuesday would be a very special shopping day that takes place on the first Tuesday after Christmas. When Christmas falls on Tuesday, as it does this year, Stupid Tuesday would be on a Wednesday. It wouldn’t be called Stupid Wednesday, though, because that would cause branding confusion issues. It would still be Stupid Tuesday, except it would be on a Wednesday.
On Stupid Tuesday, shoppers could be offered very special prices on all the hey-what-the-heck items that they just couldn’t bring themselves to purchase at any other time during the previous year, the really crazy stuff that they didn’t pick up before. Like, here it is at the very end of the holiday season, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, all the big shopping events are done, but there’s still a full spasm left in our great American purchasing muscle. Thank goodness it’s … Stupid Tuesday! With stupid prices on stupid stuff you’d be stupid not to buy!
I’m suggesting this quite seriously, based on observation of my own personal shopping self. Let me tell you what I mean. After Thanksgiving I was really excited because, you know, it was Black Friday, which I think is the first of these very special shopping days created for our convenience. Black Friday actually started early this year, on the evening before, like a Jewish holiday, so I was able to waddle down after my post-turkey nap and line up for a ton of great stuff — new Wii’s for the kids, a bowling ball for Uncle Bramwell, and a hilarious toothbrush that sings like Justin Bieber for myself, all at very special prices.
The next day was the shopping day itself, and every store had very special prices that were even more special than I anticipated, so I got flip-flops for everybody, spray-on hair for my bald spot, and a flat-screen TV even flatter than the one I got two years ago. I sort of ran out of money at the end, which worried me, but there was a Visa in my wallet that still had a credit line on it. Which was good, because Cyber Monday was coming right up, with incredibly special prices on mountains of great things you could get online. PayPal now has a thing called Bill Me Later, so that’s what I’m doing! Buy now, pay whenever. Isn’t that great?
Now Christmas is here, and you should see the pile of presents under the tree. The thing is, I know right after the holiday I’m going to have this big, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I always get when I want to buy something but don’t really have a reason to do so. Hence …
Stupid Tuesday! The fact is, there are actually a whole bunch of very special things I need, I truly do, if only they came with very special prices. My SUV is getting a bit long in the tooth. My shoes are a little down at the heels. And yeah, I have an iPad, but not a Mini. Those are cool! Are you with me? Come on, America! Let’s get Stupid one last time, as we ring out the old and pay for the new in the brand-new year.
This story is from the December 24, 2012 issue of Fortune.
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