What plutocrats can do to take Wall Street back from the occupiers
FORTUNE — Order! Order! All right then. This meeting of the Ultra-Secret Super Committee to Defeat the Wall Street Occupation is now in session. And let me just say how nice it feels to be back together after the hiatus of the past several years. Let’s not let our agendas lapse that way ever again, gentlemen. It’s too much fun when we get things done.
First, I’d like to congratulate the Subcommittee for the Harvesting of Pointless Distractions, which has been so successful in combing through the crowd at Zuccotti Park to find stories of interest to the tabloid press. Special commendation must go to the group that solicited complaints from local residents inconvenienced by the demonstrations. It’s those human-interest stories that keep the public from focusing on the things we don’t want them to retain in their tiny minds. They can’t be outraged about the yawning gap between us and everybody else when they’re feeling sorry for the little old lady with some dirty hippy on her doorstep. Nice work, guys.
We’d also like to take a moment to thank the Subcommittee for the Promotion of Unattractive Sympathizers for their excellent work. The mélange of actors, celebrities, disgraced politicians, and billionaire rappers in support of the Occupation has exceeded our most hopeful expectations. With figures like Sean Penn, Kanye West, and Eliot Spitzer arrayed against us, we will not fail. It is disheartening that Bono has yet to make an appearance, but we can hope. This thing is not going to end tomorrow, unless Mayor Bloomberg finally loses his temper. He’s close now, and the small group in charge of pushing him over the edge reports that they’re making progress.
I have to express some disappointment in the work done to date by the Subcommittee to Smear Legitimate Sympathizers. In spite of their best efforts, the President has expressed moderate interest in the Occupiers and come away in no worse shape than he was before, such as that is, as have several blabbermouth pundits. Sadly, the strategy of simply calling people “liberal” until they burst into tears is not working as well as it used to. We’re going to have to dig deep on this one. The talking point here, I think, is to stress how deeply un-American it is to demonstrate against greed. Work on that.
I am excited by our most recent effort, the Subcommittee for the Development of Flatulent Advice. The utilization of well-meaning business experts was a brilliant stroke, and we should do everything we can to help them make their points — which, if accepted by the leaders of the Occupation, will burrow like an earwig into their collective skull and eventually incapacitate their brain stem — to wit: (1) they must “refine their message,” (2) “define their goals,” and (3) “come up with concrete suggestions.” These proposals, if adopted, will turn this genuine event into a digestible, processed-cheese product subject to the laws of Marketing, and loosen the grasp it now holds on the imaginations of the weak, the powerless, and the idealistic, who are now, in spite of their many differences of status, attitude, and cleanliness, loosely massed together in opposition to our way of life. Mass movements thrive on big ideas. Peace. Freedom. Stuff like that. Let’s try to make theirs smaller.
Have courage, my friends. We may be seeing signs that this obnoxious twaddle may destroy itself. Already losers of all stripes are hobbling down to the park for sheer entertainment and babbling to any camera they can find. Some of our friends are there too, dressed as populists. And you know, people get tired. They get hungry. Since many of them are of Facebook age, they also get bored easily. And we have many resources if it comes to a siege.
So cheer up, gentlemen. Fret not. Meeting’s adjourned. Drinks and dinner are on the house. We can certainly afford it.
This article is from the November 21, 2011 issue of Fortune.