By Stanley Bing
July 20, 2009

As promised on Friday, here is a generic earnings release for use by every public company during this particular earnings season.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JULY/AUGUST __, 2009

YOUR CORPORATION HERE POSTS SECOND QUARTER RESULTS

NEW YORK/LA/CHICAGO/PETALUMA — 
Your Corporation Here
  (STOCK SYMBOL) today reported results for the second quarter ended June 30, 2009.

BOILERPLATE QUOTE FROM TOP EXECUTIVE OFFICER: “These are tough times,” said Bob Boberts, Chairman of
Your Corporation Here
. “But tough times call for tender chickens and ours are the most fat and juicy in what is, right now, a very lean and stringy sector. There’s no question that there will be winners and losers before the economy starts to shake and bake again. We’re planning on being among the winners and Ned, Ed and the rest of the operating team are in place to deliver on that promise.”

BOILERPLACE QUOTE FROM TOP OPERATING OFFICER: “We are pleased to report improvement from the first quarter in most key financial measures,” said Ned Nedwards, Chief Operating Officer. “While year-to-year comparisons are still extraordinarily gnarly, we are particularly pleased with the modest growth in EPS/cash flow/kidney beans that we achieved through a combination of cost containment and creative accounting. We remain convinced that we have seen the bottom of this downturn and, while the top of the upturn is still going sideways, the future of our industry is bright and shiny and our place in it secure.”
 

Second Quarter 2009 Results

Revenues for the second quarter of 2009 totaled $___ billion, down from/only slightly greater than the $___ billion for the same quarter last year. The decline/small increase was due to really lousy economic conditions suffered by everybody, you dummies.  The decline/sad little incline in revenue was partially offset by the elimination of complimentary non-dairy coffee creamer in all offices nationwide.

Earnings before intimidation, depression and aggravation (“EBITDA”) for the second quarter of 2009 was $____ million compared with $___ million for last year’s second quarter, a decline that was mirrored not only by other corporations in the Company’s business sector but in the entire meta-system that makes up the nexus of corporate capitalism worldwide.  Operating income was $____ million versus $___ million for the same quarter last year, for much the same reasons. In both cases, these results were were partially offset by cancellation of the Company’s annual “We’re Doing Great!” offsite in Sanibel Island.

Reported net earnings were $___ million, or $.__ per increasingly diluted share. While this compared somewhat disfavoably to the same period in 2008, the fact that there WERE earnings probably places the Company in a more advantageous position than many of the investment banks, newspapers and websites that today are reporting on this earnings announcement.  

First Half 2009 Results

N.B. You may put whatever you like in this space. Nobody either reads about or cares about the results of the first half, a fact that does not mitigate the need for stuff to fill this space. Possible selections include sections of Tom Peters and Robert Waterman’s In Search of Excellence, and the opening chapters of any book by Dickens.

Contact:  Your PR Person Here (c/o either the local tavern or mental institution), e-mail, phone, etc.

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I’ll be back tomorrow with a similar template for reporters and analysts who are covering earnings.

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