By Stanley Bing
January 3, 2008

I’ve read in a number of places recently that New Year’s resolutions are tedious and passe and pretty much purely the province of journalists, bloggers and the like. I disagree. I believe that, while smirking about them a bit, at some point during the first few days of a new year everybody secretly takes a little internal inventory and makes a couple of very soft, very tender promises to themselves about the year to come. Maybe they don’t tell anybody about it. Maybe they do. I tend to think that the unspoken and unwritten ones are the most serious.

So in that vein, I’ll tell you my New Year’s Resolutions of 2008. I believe that every single one I will be able to keep.

I resolve not to look at my BlackBerry during meals, or certainly not unless it’s really, really necessary and in no event more than four times a meal, mostly when nobody is looking, unless it’s unavoidable.

I resolve not to give any sub-prime loans to anybody. This unfortunately makes it impossible to lend any money to anybody I know, pretty much.

I resolve not to accept an excessive exit package if for some reason I am terminated from my corporate job.  That’s easy to say, of course, so I’ll be specific. I consider any amount more than $100 million in cash and future options that vest in the next three years to be highly questionable.

I will not use my cell phone to tell people where I am. “I’m at the corner of Lexington and 53rd now… okay, now I’m at Park.” That kind of thing. It’s amazing how many public conversations you hear involve discourse of that depth and sagacity. I’m not doing that.

Nor am I getting a little bluetooth thingie to put in my ear. I am by nature dorky enough and don’t need any additional dorkitude to augment mine. So that’s out.

I resolve to eat any macadamia nuts that are in any minibar that is in any hotel room that I inhabit on company business, and attempt to expense them.

I will not use PowerPoint, except in jest.

I will not, during this year, get any drunker than the drunkest person at any table.

I resolve to be kind to my subordinates, whenever possible, and to not lose my temper, except when absolutely unavoidable. If I do get angry, I will try not to yell. If I do yell, I will apologize for it afterward. Unless I really don’t want to.

I resolve to be kind to my bosses, whenever possible, and not to lose my temper, except when absolutely unavoidable. If I do get angry, I will try not to bite my tongue. If I do bite my tongue badly enough, however, I will take off work early and have a drink.

I resolve to attend no meeting that I don’t have to. Further, I will do everything possible to destroy meetings that take place for no reason, even if I am not invited, since things may transpire at those meetings that do not meet with my approval. I will always be punctual to any meeting that I do attend, as long as there is food.

I will upgrade my computer situation at least twice during the year. I’m not sure how. But I need something new every six months or so or I feel like I’m missing something. I will get any gizmo that seems too sexy to resist also. Unclear right now what that might be. But I am resolute.

Finally I resolve to read every single one of the comments that come into this page all year, every day, even the person who keeps sending me insulting comments under my own name, and post all but the most egregious, and even then I may post those if they are relatively clean and funny. I will continue to appreciate all of you for being here, without getting all mushy or anything.

And oh yeah. I’m going to try to look on the sunny side of life a bit more in ’08.  Of course, some resolutions are easier to keep than others. We’ll see, huh?

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