By Stanley Bing
September 12, 2007

I asked. A good number of you answered. Here’s what you said, based on a sampling of about 75 people.

1. A surprising number of you (21) felt a lot like working yesterday. This surprised and pleased me, since I seldom feel like working a lot, you know. My feeling was shared by a plurality of you (26), who felt like working a little. A fair number (14) were in a lazy mood altogether and did not feel like working at all. And a satisfying 11 individuals felt impelled to choose selection d, which as you may remember was “yo mamma,” a saucy reply only those with a healthy contempt for the whole exercise could muster.

2. A huge majority of you (42) spent a little on your breakfast, and selected a, with the moderately-priced meal coming in a distant second (11). Interesting to me were the two (2) individuals who obviously eat at my restaurant and spend between $11 and $30 on that most important meal of the day, slapping down their company plastic when the bill comes, I have no doubt. One respondent admitted to the egregious sum posited in selection d, which I assume was a joke, but maybe not. Interesting is the fact that fully 16 of you answered (e), an option that was not offered, because you have your breakfast at home or bring sack from your own kitchen to your desk. I would have thought that toast in tinfoil still costs something, really, and would have engendered the low end response offered you (a). But there you guys are, always making your own rules.

3. A solid block of you (42) are looking forward to the weekend, and I hope you have a nice one. It’s still a few days away, you know. More piquant to me were the six (6) of you who were anticipating sexual congress with your assistant — you will note that any hint of gender was carefully eliminated from that scenario in our little exercise. Good luck to you guys! Don’t get caught! And make sure it’s consentual, huh? Even more of you (10) are sublimating such thoughts by focusing on your evening martini, even at this hour. Most intriguing were the eight (8) dudes of varying stripes who admitted that they were keenly anticipating the pleasure of kicking somebody else’s ass in the near future. That’s a healthy representation, I think. One person chimed in with a “none of the above,” which makes me worry about him. Or her.

4. When it came to attitudes about China, you made me proud. While thirteen (13) of you focused on the quality of Chinese cuisine, a very large number (28), the plurality of this group, expressed a general nervousness about the way that nation is developing, a feeling I believe is shared by many, including a fair number of Chinese. Almost as many (22) focused that skittishness, and expressed the hope that the Chinese would stop putting poison into children’s toys, which seems reasonable. By now it should have been clear that I was flushing out a certain kind of butt-kicking, name-taking senior executive with all my (d) options, and sure enough, that same group came through with seven (7) votes in favor of the kind of free-market capitalism that the Chinese seem to be getting off on these days.

5. Here I was surprised. For while registered Republicans are the minority in this nation, among respondents to this quiz you guys are in the majority. Twenty-two (22) of you haven’t yet gotten the message that America is tired of the way things are going, and only eleven (11) are committed to a Democratic agenda. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you whether you believed in the myth of global warming. Good news for advocates of change comes with the large percentage of you who are either Independent (18) or belong to the party actually occupied by most committed business people I know: Opportunist (17), a fact backed up by the way corporations generally split their campaign contributions right down the middle. Two (2) of you were None of the Above. Good luck to you. My dad was one of those.

6. Finally, I am happy to report that most of you by a wide margin (50, the highest number in the whole survey) are (a) Happy most of the time. That is so nice, ladies and gentlemen. I have to find you and hang around with you more. Eleven of you (11) are persistently anxious, and hello to you, fellow travelers. Very few of you were jealous (2), which is interesting to me, since I think most people walk around coveting something these days, but that’s another story. In the end, only five (5) of you admitted to being angry most of the time, a condition I have noticed applies mostly to the very rich and successful. Get a roomful of CEOs together and you will have some of the most truculent and peevish people on the planet.

I want to thank all of you who participated in this pseudo-scientific exercise. I think we learned something about each other and that’s a beautiful thing. Have a great day, okay? Especially all of you (d) people. You rule!

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