By Stanley Bing
June 10, 2007

1. If Paris Hilton had been a short, fat, bald, male mogul with glasses too big for his head, would she be going through all this?

2. Why can’t Paris Hilton wear her blue contact lenses in prison? Why did one outlet, when reporting on that fact, offer the amusing headline, “Don’t It Make My Blue Eyes Brown”? Is that funny? Or just mean? Can we tell the difference anymore?

3. Why are people happy over the fact that Paris Hilton would be denied the use of her hair extensions in prison? Didn’t we all like her with her hair extensions? Do you want to be seen without your hair extensions?

4. Why did people at a recent awards show laugh and hoot at Paris Hilton, who was in attendance, when host Sarah Silverman made fun of her? Why did most people, including the media, express giggly satisfaction when the camera then focused on her impassive face, trembling on the verge of tears? Would we all have been even more pleased if she had run sobbing from the room then? Or was it better that we had to wait a couple more days for that?

5. Does anybody really doubt that Paris Hilton is on some kind of medication that helps her maintain the weird, Mona Lisa smile that has become her trademark? Are people aware of what it’s like to stop medication like that cold turkey?

6. Does anybody really doubt that, when freed by the Sheriff and confined to her home, Paris Hilton truly believed, for some reason, that she would be permitted to attend the hearing by telephone? Was it really necessary to send policemen to drag her out into the sunlight, throw her in a vehicle and drag her down to the court with hundreds of vicious paparazzi, helicopters, etc., in attendance? Why were there so many photographers there? How did they know to be there at exactly the right time? Or are they just there ALL the time?

7. What’s with this judge? Doesn’t he seem like he’s on a jihad of some kind? If you were in trouble, would you want to be confronted with somebody so implacable, cruel, jealous of his power, obviously emotional, who appears to take your situation very personally and is determined to see you punished to the full extent of the law? If you or one of your friends screw up, do you want to be punished to the full extent of the law? Is anybody in this whole society, come to think of it, punished to the full extent of the law? Why is everybody so pleased with this guy?

8. And why is everybody so mad at the Sheriff who got Paris Hilton temporarily sprung? Because he’s standing in the way of justice? Or because, in treating Paris Hilton like a young, sick celebrity in need of certain kinds of help, he’s being, like, a total party pooper?

9. Is this really about equal treatment under the law? Or is it possibly about some kind of ritual punishment? For what?

10. Aren’t we all having way too much fun with this? And why?

You May Like

EDIT POST